kneehighs

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 05:48:48 GMT

It never ceases to amaze me how deceitful some people can be.

Seriously. Grow the fuck up. Maybe the reason you have no friends is because you're an asshole.

In other news, I have had a horrendous last week or so. My grandmother passed away a couple of weeks ago. I didn't expect to have such an enormous reaction. But it feels like the bottom has fallen out of my entire existance.

It's mind-bottling

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 04:25:36 GMT

I would bitch about work, but we all know how that shit goes down.

I got a new phone finally. It's pretty nice. It's a Juke, which is not only fun to say, but also awesome all around. Mp3 player and phone? yes, please. I like it. I mean, it doesn't have a badass rubber band holding the battery on or anything, but still, it's cool.

I put my Christmas tree up last night. My mom got me a new tree topper that is slightly too big for the tree, but I love it anyway. It's weighing down the top, so my tree's a little lopsided. Beanstalk likes it, though. He lays under it. Anytime I try to lay under it with him he moves. Fucking tree hog.

Apparently my computer is fucked. Some of the keys don't respond, my dvd burner won't work, and for some unknown reason I can't run firefox on it. Ugh. Technology really hates me.

My speed humps sign is now hanging above my t.v. It makes me happy

how the stereophonics saved my life

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 22:07:27 GMT

I'd like to know what it's all about?
What's out there?
Am I gonna get old and laugh?
About something
Will I get me a boy or a girl?
Or not either?
Will I get what I want from this world?
I'm a day dreamer

Then I watch the old couple dance
Step on my old size nines and I'll take you 'round

I'd like to know what you're all about?
What's up there?
Are you gonna get old and laugh?
Without a care
Will you get you a boy or a girl
Or not either?
Will you get what you want from this world?
A day dreamer?

Then I watch the old couple dance
Step on my old size nines and I'll take you 'round

I'd love to know what we're all about
We all have done
Am I gonna get old and laugh?
With someone?
Think I'll get me a boy and a girl
Or not either?
Will I get what I want from this world?
I'm a daydreamer

Then I watch the old couple dance
Step on my old size nines and I'll take you 'round

un peu d'amour

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 23:07:33 GMT

It's not about what I do want. What makes it real is what I don't want. I don't want to go out every night. I don't want to have sex with some random guy, or even just some guy. I don't want to lie. I don't want to complicate. I don't want to rush. I don't want to label. I don't want to question. i don't want to fuck it up.

I'm not looking for anything anymore. Everything that I need, I have. The rest is all details. And fuck the details.

It's not complacency, it's contentment. And it feels good.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 05:54:45 GMT

Again. I'm here again.

Making decisions is hard. Knowing what you need and very obviously seeing the truth is all fine and good. But it's not that easy to impose.

My best and wisest (at least in this moment-wisest, I mean. She will always be my best) friend told me that if they weren't willing to chase you then they weren't worth it. And I know she's right, but what if I'm not worth chasing. Where does that leave me? I want to be chased as much as the next guy, but that doesn't mean that I actually expect for that to happen.

Because when it comes down to it, if I wait to be chased, one thing is going to happen. I am going to wait and go away and wait, and no one will come. And I realize that if no one is willing to do that for me then I shouldn't waste my time with them, but that doesn't make it sting any less.

I've been on a super retarded creative stretch lately. For me, this doesn't mean too much because I am by no means an artist. What it does mean though is that I get to bombard my friends with shitty shadow boxes and picture frames and they have to pretend to enjoy them. Some of them will actually put this shit up in their houses. Score for Lori. I have a couple of good ideas and if I can pull them off, I think they'll actually be pretty neat.

I miss playing in a band so badly. I realize that I never spoke of my exit from my former endeavor and I won't (for some obvious and some not so obvious reasons), but I do unbelievably miss it.

Sleepy time now. My dog has been missing me, and I can't wait to fall asleep to CSI with him on my lap.

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 02:15:13 GMT

Indulgences are getting me no where. Too many cigarettes, too much money, not enough sleep, not enough meaning. More and more, please and please, then less and less, then nothing.

One of these days I'll get it right. One time, right? That's all it takes. The universe is smiting me and my childish arrogance. so good. so so good. but not enough...again.

One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are

For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 22:59:19 GMT

Some of my most favorite people.

And also this...

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 03:58:26 GMT

Please don't treat me like I'm stupid.

I'm not.

I know what goes on when I'm not looking. I know what is said when I'm not around. As much as you'd like to think that people keep private things private, they don't.

I should be stressed about this. I should probably care. Normally, I would be a mess over this. But not right now. I will not let you fuck this up. I will not let you into my head. I've been given an offer I can't refuse. I've been given an offer I don't want to refuse.

I used to believe that you couldn't love/be loved by more than one person at a time. I thought that there was some sort of karmic force that stopped that from happening. Because who deserves that, right? We are lucky if even one person decides that we are worthy of that kind of admiration, so who could be selfish enough to except or accept that much of a good thing?
I don't know how I feel about that anymore.

I'm tired. I had a great day. Maybe one of the best I've had in a while. And it took a lot out of me.

...I'm the Queen of England

This is how we do it.... (so I reach for my pawny?)

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 06:18:04 GMT

The last two days have been absolutely amazing. Fuck it. This whole week has been pretty damn good. Started a new job, which led to feeling back on my feet. Slept too little, but for good reasons. And laughed a lot.

Last night after work, I began to get in a rotten mood. So, to help me out of it, my friend Calvin came and got me and we went out. We had no specific plan, so we just went. Eventually we ended up at Urban because, well, doesn't everyone end up at urban at one point or another? Jacynda and Carly came and met us, as well as some of his friends. We played pool, which I get surprisingly better at the more I drink. We took pictures, mostly of Jacynda's ass. We had a freakin good time.

We stayed until last call. And then, what to do! Swimming? Of course. Here's an equation for you. Frat dudes fighting + jumping over fences + creepy Sci-Fi guy + being sexy ass bitches= best time ever. I didn't go to sleep until 6 am. I didn't wake up until 5 pm. Yikes.

Today, or should I say tonight, when I woke up, I met up with J+C to go to Pigeon Forge. Hehe. Fun. I'm going to look so good at work on Monday. I inadvertently flashed some little kids, Jacynda stopped at about a hundred gas stations, and Carly got skin cancer. What a night.

I am at home now with my puppy and (idk my bff) wil. We are on our respective computers (minus The Beanstalk. Technology scares him). This is nice. Mmm-hmm.

Virgin Music Festival

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 18:21:37 GMT

yes. that's the smashing pumpkins.

gimme dem biskits

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 03:44:26 GMT

I used to think romantic fate would be
Revealed in the Hardee’s drive thru
While ordering breakfast. As if a Bacon
Egg and Cheese Biscuit was a proposal,
And the 2 for $1 deals were our vows.
I was convinced that my lover’s longevity
Could be prophesized by the words he spoke
Into the intercom, “I would like…” which
Was usually followed by some sausage
Combination that irritated my stomach
But since it was a special offer, his choice
Acted as mine and I swallowed, unsatisfied.
After breakfast finished enough of my
Relationships, I stopped noticing the biscuit
Deals, and we opted for the different flavors
Each of us wanted. Though it cost a little
More, it never tasted better.

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 03:34:22 GMT

I know a lot of people who call themselves "artists". I also have a theory that anyone who calls themselves an artist probably isn't one, or at least isn't a very good one. Everyone I know creates. Everyone has ideas. But the only handful of people I know who are legitimate creators, with legitimate talent, would never classify themselves with that term. Painting the same thing over and over, writing shitty songs that you can't sing, making fucking noise or playing with the lights, pretending to be inspired when really you don't have a fucking clue what you're doing is not art. It is pretention and it is self-righteous. You have no talent. Get over yourself.

In other news, I've had a really great couple of days. I am beginning to see my best friend again despite all the bullshit. I am learning to leave the past in the past and accept things for what they are. I am learning to forgive. I am learning that it isn't always personal, and people will do ridiculous and cruel things out of patheticism and desperation. I am learning to pick myself up and stand up for myself. The only thing that I'm having trouble with is trusting. At this point, I trust no one. I question all of the information that passes my way. Hopefully, eventually that will get better.

Wil, Carly and I went to see Eagle vs. Shark today. Oh my gawd. That is seriously one of the best movies I've seen in a while. I am completely in love with Jemaine Clement.

I took a fantastic nap today. :)

Order of the Phoenix

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 04:34:15 GMT

I just bought tickets to the midnight showing next Tuesday. Who wants to go with?

It is a beautiful day outside.

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 18:17:44 GMT

Oh, no. I was thinking out loud again.
I wonder if he heard me or if he’s still asleep.
I hope he didn’t hear me.
That could get me into trouble.

Is he still asleep?

I begin to whisper in his ear (again)
When I know that he’s not awake.
I tell him all the secrets he doesn’t want to know,
Like how every single falling star I see
Is another wish I use to keep him beautiful,
And tired in my arms, so I can watch him
Dream of smiles on trees he harvests in his mind
To feed me when I make him happy.

My eyes are fixed on him until we become intertwined.
I’m careful not to move out of fear
that he might fly out the window.

If I were you, I would have given up on me,
So why do you stay so content sleeping in my arms.
You must know by now I try so hard,
But it just makes things worse.
I do my best, but you deserve so much more.
It’s a fear of mine to think I can’t love you
The way that you want me to.

________________________________________________________________________

In other news, there is a squirrel that has taken up residence in the tree outside my window. Sometimes when I am sitting on the front porch or if I am up on my roof, he comes out to visit me. he really likes the bird seed residue that falls on the porch. My little squirrel friend is nice. He isn't scared and doesn't run from me, although the Beanstalk is a different story. The most interesting thing about my new little buddy is the fact that he doesn't have a tail. I want to ask him, "Little friend, where did your tail go?" but I'm afraid of hurting his feelings, and I don't want him to go away. Maybe he is self-conscious about his non-existant tail. I imagine a tragic story. A car ran over it, or a cat ate it off. Or maybe he was born like that, and that is why he has chosen to live outside my window. Maybe he recognizes this house as a den for disfunction and he feels comfortable knowing that he isn't the only one who is broken. He is becoming a constant in my life, and I don't want him to leave. So, I won't ask him about his tail. Just like he won't ask me why I am crying, and he won't ask the Beanstalk why his one ear is floppy. We will live in ignorance. And we will be content. This is my life.

windy. windy. windy city

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 22:29:19 GMT

AHHHH!!!!!!!! I totally got the job in Chicago. Holy shit. I'm freaking out, man. www.fpamg.net God, this clinic looks amazing. Now, I just have to figure out if there are any afforable places to live in chicago..... any suggestions?

Up, up, up

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 17:26:14 GMT

I have a telephone interview with a clinic in Chicago today. I'm pretty excited about it. I've always wanted to go to Chicago. I've never been there, but given the enormous amount of people I know who have (been and lived there), I think I'll be ok. My choices are broadening. Asheville, Chapel Hill (crosses fingers), Chicago, and hopefully I'll hear back from New York soon.

Also, I have signed up to take the GRE and the LSAT. I am nervous about this, but I think I will do ok. I'm pretty good at standardized tests.

We got a big shipment in at work today, so I just got a TON of boxes. I guess I'll go home and start packing up things I don't really use tonight. Better to get a head start, I guess. And it keeps me busy.

I want to have dinner on the Riverboat. On Wednesday nights they have a murder mystery dinner. I think that would be so fun. I love cheesy shit like that. It's really not too expensive. They are supposed to be starting wine cruises soon, also. If I am drinking wine again by the time that starts, I want to go.

No Such Number

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 19:30:15 GMT

For You:

The hierarchy of secrets, which is important enough to tell?
Their life source demands the telling, lips folded as neatly
As a dollar bill left under a used glass at the bar,
The one someone will pocket, then appreciate.
Me, I’m always shoving the dollar amid the lint,
A crumpled bulge that disintegrates in the washer
Before anyone thinks to take it out. If only the heart
Was as exchangeable as currency, needing just
Three-fourths to get a whole replacement.

It was our secret that died secret, never emerging
From the cage of a mouth that has felt both our tongues.
It was the secret you shared with another mouth
That licked itself onto the stamp of public knowledge,
Mailed first to an unknown receiver we used to call hope.

shifting self

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 19:04:54 GMT

"Another friend tells me hyberbolically that she enjoyed a six-month stay in jail, and that on some days she comes dizzyingly close to checking herself into the asylum. 'I need to be confined,' she says, and I know what she means. There is safety in four walls, in rituals boiled down into rules. Freedom can feel overwhelming. I would not trade it, but sometimes I want to be told what to do. I want to know constraints, boundaries. i want to know the limits of who I am. Tell me what I cannot do. Let me master myself within articulated limitations. Without these, i feel vast, out of control. Like I can too easily slip outside of my own life and into someone else's. Like if I am not careful, I could, as my friend who liked jail wishes to do often, close my eyes and disappear."

Tue, 22 May 2007 16:22:08 GMT

This feels like someone just stuck a knife in me. Today, he is taking her to rockwood. she will meet his family, his sisters, see his old bedroom, and his fabulous magical backyard. i am out of the picture. just like that. she will celebrate kelley's graduation from high school. she will take my place. i feel so empty. and i get nothing. i am left with a house full of his things, a bed that i can't sleep in, a life that i am a stranger to. i can't believe this. i am dying. i have lost my wil(l). i don't know what to do.

Sun, 20 May 2007 21:39:14 GMT

Reset and recharge. Reset and recharge. I wish it was over. I wish I didn't care. I wish. I don't know what to do. I am completely lost and alone. Everyone knows this is my fault. And now there is nothing that I can do. Except sit here. And cry. And hate myself. I've tried everything I can think of to gain some perspective. But none of it has worked. I lost the most important thing in my whole life. The most important thing in my world. I am losing my best friend, my partner, not to mention some of my friends, my band, my life, my future. Every plan had him in it. Every single one. And now I am lost. I can't walk, i can't see, all I can do is feel and it hurts like hell.

Sat, 19 May 2007 22:04:46 GMT

This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. I am being pushed away from my life. And from the outside I realize how unimportant I am. I feel like I am shrinking. I am fading. One phone call. Just a simple reply could make this a million times easier. I am so ready for next weekend.

Wed, 16 May 2007 19:52:46 GMT

How is it even possible that that stupid Joni Mitchell song is true? I hate getting on here and making things personal and airing personal business, but today I need to. I need an outet and I have none right now. Everyone who knows me knows Wil and also knows that we are going through a really tough time in our relationship. I said I needed "space" to figure things out, and that's what I got. In the back of my head, i always knew that he was/is someone that i could be with forever.

That being said, I think I lost my chance. Most of you are probably glad to hear that. But I can't believe I lost him. Wil is my life and he has been for the last 3 and a half years.

The worst part of the whole thing, though, is that one of my "best" friends is who he turns to now. If you need to know how I feel about girlfriends and boyfriends, read the blog two or three back from this one. How is it that a person who considers me a best friend could do this to me?

That being said, I am done fucking it up. My new life starts right now. Hopefully with Wil beside me. I'm done with it all, and my mind hasn't been this clear in a long time.

I'm so sorry. So Sorry.

Tue, 15 May 2007 19:32:26 GMT

what the fuck is wrong with me? what the fuck

holy shit.

Wed, 09 May 2007 23:04:45 GMT

http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html

Just go.

I feel like Marco Polo

Tue, 08 May 2007 17:42:58 GMT

You know, betrayal is a funny creature. There are a few lines that you don't cross, I think, with girlfriends, and perhaps that is why I don't have very many.

1) You don't sleep with/date any boy that is your friend's ex or current crush withour explicit permission.
2) You do not in any circumstance say that they are anything but absolutely beautiful and special.
3) You always let them borrow your clothes.
4) YOU DO NOT EVER EVER EVER TALK ABOUT THEM IN ANYWAY THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS NEGATIVE/HURTFUL/MEAN. unless is is constructive AND straight to their face.

Why is this so hard? They said that they were asked for their opinion. So, does that excuse them talking badly about me? No. It doesn't. I call major bullshit. I would never do that to a friend. I may flake out or not show up sometimes, but I will never betray you. Not my girls. I love them. They have cheated on their boyfriends and fiancees, and I've never judged them for it; they have been treated like shit and I took up for them; they have needed to laugh and have a good time, and i provided that.

This is so difficult. I haven't really had to deal with this crap since high school, and now I am beginning to remember why females scare the fuck out of me.