It  never ceases to amaze me how deceitful some people can be. 

Seriously. Grow the fuck up. Maybe the reason you have no friends is because you're an asshole. 

In other news, I have had a horrendous last week or so. My grandmother passed away a couple of weeks ago. I didn't expect to have such an enormous reaction. But it feels like the bottom has fallen out of my entire existance. 

I would bitch about work, but we all know how that shit goes down.

I got a new phone finally. It's pretty nice. It's a Juke, which is not only fun to say, but also awesome all around. Mp3 player and phone? yes, please. I like it. I mean, it doesn't have a badass rubber band holding the battery on or anything, but still, it's cool. 

I put my Christmas tree up last night. My mom got me a new tree topper that is slightly too big for the tree, but I love it anyway. It's weighing down the top, so my tree's a little lopsided. Beanstalk likes it, though. He lays under it. Anytime I try to lay under it with him he moves. Fucking tree hog. 

Apparently my computer is fucked. Some of the keys don't respond, my dvd burner won't work, and for some unknown reason I can't run firefox on it. Ugh. Technology really hates me. 

My speed humps sign is now hanging above my t.v. It makes me happy

 I'd like to know what it's all about?
What's out there?
Am I gonna get old and laugh?
About something
Will I get me a boy or a girl?
Or not either?
Will I get what I want from this world?
I'm a day dreamer

Then I watch the old couple dance
Step on my old size nines and I'll take you 'round

I'd like to know what you're all about?
What's up there?
Are you gonna get old and laugh?
Without a care
Will you get you a boy or a girl
Or not either?
Will you get what you want from this world?
A day dreamer?

Then I watch the old couple dance
Step on my old size nines and I'll take you 'round

I'd love to know what we're all about
We all have done
Am I gonna get old and laugh?
With someone?
Think I'll get me a boy and a girl
Or not either?
Will I get what I want from this world?
I'm a daydreamer

Then I watch the old couple dance
Step on my old size nines and I'll take you 'round

 It's not about what I do want. What makes it real is what I don't want. I don't want to go out every night. I don't want to have sex with some random guy, or even just some guy. I don't want to lie. I don't want to complicate. I don't want to rush. I don't want to label. I don't want to question. i don't want to fuck it up. 

I'm not looking for anything anymore. Everything that I need, I have. The rest is all details. And fuck the details. 

It's not complacency, it's contentment. And it feels good.

Again. I'm here again.

Making decisions is hard. Knowing what you need and very obviously seeing the truth is all fine and good. But it's not that easy to impose. 

My best and wisest (at least in this moment-wisest, I mean. She will always be my best) friend told me that if they weren't willing to chase you then they weren't worth it. And I know she's right, but what if I'm not worth chasing. Where does that leave me? I want to be chased as much as the next guy, but that doesn't mean that I actually expect for that to happen. 

Because when it comes down to it, if I wait to be chased, one thing is going to happen. I am going to wait and go away and wait, and no one will come. And I realize that if no one is willing to do that for me then I shouldn't waste my time with them, but that doesn't make it sting any less. 

I've been on a super retarded creative stretch lately. For me, this doesn't mean too much because I am by no means an artist. What it does mean though is that I get to bombard my friends with shitty shadow boxes and picture frames and they have to pretend to enjoy them. Some of them will actually put this shit up in their houses. Score for Lori. I have a couple of good ideas and if I can pull them off, I think they'll actually be pretty neat.  

I miss playing in a band so badly. I realize that I never spoke of my exit from my former endeavor and I won't  (for some obvious and some not so obvious reasons), but I do unbelievably miss it.  

Sleepy time now. My dog has been missing me, and I can't wait to fall asleep to CSI with him on my lap. 

Indulgences are getting me no where. Too many cigarettes, too much money, not enough sleep, not enough meaning. More and more, please and please, then less and less, then nothing.

One of these days I'll get it right. One time, right? That's all it takes. The universe is smiting me and my childish arrogance. so good. so so good. but not enough...again.


One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are

For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart

Tags: you're doing it wrong

Some of my most favorite people.







And also this...

Please don't treat me like I'm stupid.

I'm not.

I know what goes on when I'm not looking. I know what is said when I'm not around. As much as you'd like to think that people keep private things private, they don't.

I should be stressed about this. I should probably care. Normally, I would be a mess over this. But not right now. I will not let you fuck this up. I will not let you into my head. I've been given an offer I can't refuse. I've been given an offer I don't want to refuse.

I used to believe that you couldn't love/be loved by more than one person at a time. I thought that there was some sort of karmic force that stopped that from happening. Because who deserves that, right? We are lucky if even one person decides that we are worthy of that kind of admiration, so who could be selfish enough to except or accept that much of a good thing?
I don't know how I feel about that anymore.

I'm tired. I had a great day. Maybe one of the best I've had in a while. And it took a lot out of me.

...I'm the Queen of England

The last two days have been absolutely amazing. Fuck it. This whole week has been pretty damn good. Started a new job, which led to feeling back on my feet. Slept too little, but for good reasons. And laughed a lot.

Last night after work, I began to get in a rotten mood. So, to help me out of it, my friend Calvin came and got me and we went out. We had no specific plan, so we just went. Eventually we ended up at Urban because, well, doesn't everyone end up at urban at one point or another? Jacynda and Carly came and met us, as well as some of his friends. We played pool, which I get surprisingly better at the more I drink. We took pictures, mostly of Jacynda's ass. We had a freakin good time.

We stayed until last call. And then, what to do! Swimming? Of course. Here's an equation for you. Frat dudes fighting + jumping over fences + creepy Sci-Fi guy + being sexy ass bitches= best time ever. I didn't go to sleep until 6 am. I didn't wake up until 5 pm. Yikes.

Today, or should I say tonight, when I woke up, I met up with J+C to go to Pigeon Forge. Hehe. Fun. I'm going to look so good at work on Monday. I inadvertently flashed some little kids, Jacynda stopped at about a hundred gas stations, and Carly got skin cancer. What a night.

I am at home now with my puppy and (idk my bff) wil. We are on our respective computers (minus The Beanstalk. Technology scares him). This is nice. Mmm-hmm.

Current Location: myz kouch
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Lady-lady-ladytron

yes. that's the smashing pumpkins.